Paul Morrissey’s Back

So there I am, right? Chilling out after class and listening to Paul Morrisey‘s latest album, Paul Morrissey’s Back, sipping a soda, because I like to treat myself after studying really hard. When, out of nowhere, Paul delivers this gem: “I bought her a dildo from Play-it-Again Sports.” And that is why I ended up spending twenty minutes wiping root beer of off of the screen and keyboard of my computer.

Morrissey is the kind of comic that I’d love to go to a bar with; although, considering his penchant for cakes, I might try to find the closest bakery or Cinnabon instead. I like him because he does nice things. During the show, he elects a captain of the audience, he decides he wants to tour with just the one audience in Appleton, Wisconsin and he even buys his ex-girlfriend a dildo from Play-it-Again Sports. I’m not even mad that because of him, my keys are kind of sticky or that the underwear I was planning on wearing for the third straight day now smells like root beer and farts. I’m really not.

Not all of Morrissey’s relationships have ended on such amiable terms. He says of one girlfriend, “I dated a girl from Canada whose last name was ‘Lopez.’ I was like, ‘Damn, how long of a tunnel did your parents dig?’” It’s not so much the subtle jab at her last name as it is why they broke up that is so funny. According to Paul, they broke up because she didn’t like ice cream. What she said was, “Ice cream’s too cold [and] makes my head hurt.” To which he replies, “Yeah that’s how I feel about fucking Canada.”

Morrissey has made a couple of appearances on CBS’ The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson. He has appeared on the show enough times that he has his own ritual. The fun fact about show is that it is filmed right above the studio where The Price is Right is filmed. This is where Paul “go[es] downstairs and [sticks his] penis in the Plinko board for good luck.” This is a lesson to be learned by CBS: if you hire a Scot to do the job, people will do crazy things for the luck that they could have gotten by just talking to an Irishman.

Here are my thoughts on Paul Morrissey; he’s funny, he’s a little relatable and, as far as I’m concerned, he owes me a root beer and a pair of underwear. If you are reading this Paul, I like my undercarriage like I like my record-setting NBA players – clothed in a pair of fresh, new Hanes underwear. If you’re not Paul Morrissey, then maybe you should consider the fact that his album will be released in conjunction with Rooftop Comedy on October 1. You can purchase it on iTunes, Amazon and RooftopComedy.com.

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