Things That I Hate…

Because I have watched hundreds of comics over the years, I am often asked who my favorite comedians are and why I like them. That is a very hard question to answer. There is an old saying that goes, “I don’t know anything about art, but I know what I like.” The same holds true for stand up comedy.

However, when it comes to attending the live comedy show, there are things that I know I don’t like:

Comics

1. If you open with “Hows everybody doing tonight?” I just cringe. I am ready to be entertained by you, that’s how I am. I secured a babysitter, powered down a meal with my partner and rushed here to get a good seat. I am settled in, my first of the two item minimum  food or drink in front of me and I am ready to go. So, more importantly, how are you doing tonight? Are you ready to entertain us? This is only slightly worse than….” Are you ready to have some fun?(duh)… Make some noise! and  Give it up for…”
2. Riffing with the audience. Ok, sometimes a headliner will talk to the audience. But usually they are either setting up a joke, (or a series of jokes) using the audience member as part of their routine or doing a segue into their next bit. The point is that it is pre-planned and pre-written. If you follow the comedian from town to town, you will find them incorporating the audience at the same place in their act. The audience member is a prop to their routine. If you reach out to the audience with no plan in mind, when you don’t have a witty comment already lined up for most responses, then you are telegraphing that you just don’t have enough material in your act to fill your allotted time. Plus, you put people on the spot who don’t necessarily want to be a part of the act. This leads me to my next gripe…

Hecklers & Obnoxious Audience Members

1. I came to see the professional comedian, not you, the drunk audience member wanting to be part of the act. Laugh, respond only when spoken to and keep your comments quietly to yourself. Even though you watch “So You Think You Can Dance” and say, Hey, I can do that!”, unless you have a good 15 minutes of solid, well rehearsed,  stand up material, you probably aren’t a better comedy writer than the guy or gal on stage. When you are shot down or torn up by the person on stage, don’t think you are “adding great material to their act”. You aren’t. You are only showing everyone around you are a social misfit out on a day pass. I doubt that you shout out at the movie screen? (Rocky Horror Picture Show fans are an exception). I pay very good money to be entertained by the professional on the stage. Sit down and STFU! Which coincidentally is the next category…
2. Shut the F*** up. I have missed countless punchlines because you have decided to tell your waitress exactly how many olives you want or to ask whether the Ketel is better than the Grey Goose. Worse yet, I have lost many well crafted set ups only to hear the punchline, the roar of the crowd and only be able to smile, assuming that it was a great joke. This isn’t TiVo, I can’t go back and hear it again. So please…. whisper your order to the waitress. Better yet, write it on a note and silently slip it to her.

Comedy Clubs

1. Ok, I love you guys. I do! It is because of you I am here. But… I pay good money to see a live comedy show. Just like seeing a play. Just like a movie. But, there is one huge difference. Even though I know there is a huge markup on popcorn with greasy sauce and a bladder busting combo of carbonated water and syrup for $10, I have the option of not eating or drinking anything. At a play, I can usually justify a $2 Styrofoam cup of weak coffee or a candy bar , but again, I have a choice to partake or not in these delectable treats. Why is it mandatory to have a 2 item minimum? Haven’t I paid you enough? (A nod to those clubs that offer reasonable alternatives like coffee or fill up a glass of water for free (rhymes with Tommy T), as opposed to a $5 bottle of Pelagrino water… you know who you are!)
2. Seating. How many times have I found my leg rubbing against someone who I have never met before, crammed into a chair designed more for stack-ability rather than comfort. So, ok,  there was that time that I became hugely aroused by the mini skirted drunk woman at her own bachelorette party, fondling the ginormous dildo gift she had just received from her other, equally intoxicated friends, but mostly I just get mean, dirty looks from the men who don’t appreciate me rubbing against their legs or worse, the legs of their dates!

Disclaimer: You caught me in a particularly cranky mood today. And, this is an accumulated bitch of many, many shows over the years. But it had to be said and I feel better now. The good news is that this post was originally titled 10 Things I Hate … but could only think of these 6! – Steven

Now it is your turn. What keeps you away from seeing more shows? What could the venues do to improve your experience? Where are the best shows?  Add your comments below:

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